Ka Kleaning

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ersonally, I prefer to drive a klean Ka, rather than a dirty Ka. So it’s quite rare that Kermit is filthy. But, more to the point, I also find that hand washing a car is therapeutic: it calms me down! Charlie will testify that my usual expression when something has worked me up is, “poxy bloody thing!” usually followed by a clunk, as whatever it is thrown down in disgust. Often, a number of minutes pass, during which time Dervy can be heard muttering things about it not working, that I didn’t want it to work anyway, that it would work if it felt like it, so on and so forth. Charlie calls this the “PBT Syndrome.”

You’ll never hear me uttering these words whilst washing the Ka - but note that we don’t have a jet wash, or even a hosepipe, but if we did you can bet that any hosepipe connection difficulty, or similar, would have the PBT syndrome!

Here are some tips of kleaning with just a bucket and sponge.

First off, don’t use hot water, but use lukewarm water. Not only will your hands appreciate this in the winter months (all ten of them, heh!), but it also helps loosen off the dirt, or dead flies, or similar.

It’s also important to use a quality car shampoo, ideally with wax in it. Good quality shampoo contains chemicals that are designed to shift road tar and dead bugs. Never use washing up liquid: it contains salt, amongst other nasty chemicals, that can damage a car’s paintwork.

Once you’ve washed the car with a shampoo, you should also rinse it off with ordinary water. Here, the trick is to use lots of it - I invariably use at least twice as much water to rinse than I do to wash! This is because any residue of the shampoo can leave visible watermarks on the paintwork, which can spoil the effect.

Once you’ve rinses the car off, to get the best finish, you should chamois dry it. And there is no substitute for a real chamois leather! Note that a new chamois needs conditioning before you use it - basically, you need to give it a wash with a little soap, then a proper rinse, then dry it - sometimes they take two or three goes until they’re ready! Again, the secret of the chamois is that it absorbs water without leaving a streak.

Once you’ve dried the Ka, it’s a good idea to wax it. Regular waxing helps keep the car clean, and can also help the paintwork retain it’s colour and hue. There are a great number of different waxes available, and these days I stick to a general one. I’ve used colour-matching waxes in the past, and whilst they’ve been effective, I’ve not had the same colour car in a row! The wax I’m currently using can be used for all colours. I also have some Extreme Speed Wax, which I have used on occasion and whilst it does work reasonably well, it much more expensive than conventional wax, and not as satisfying to use.

With regard to the wheels, one of my better investments in terms of car cleaning materials must be the wheel cleaner. This is basically a dilute acid, which you spray on to the wheel (in small doses!) and it eats away at baked on brake dust. You must be careful when using this stuff, since it’s possible that some finishes won’t like the cleaner! I also find that a small brush - a toothbrush is ideal - is a great help.

I’ve also got some tyre blackener. The only reason why I have some of this stuff is because it was the freebie in a “buy two, get one free” promotion, so whatever else I’m about to say, it was a shrewd investment from that perspective. Whilst it does the job, and it does make the tyres look nicely black, it’s expensive for what it is and it does not last very long. If I’m wanting to get Kermit spruced up for a show, I’ll use some, or if I have time on my hands, I’ll use it, but otherwise, the tyre blackener will probably last for many years.